Ways and Means
The wonderful thing about the Internet is the ability to find people, quite easily, and be given the opportunity to reestablish contact after what might have been years of silence.
The horrible thing about the Internet, however, is the ability to find people, quite easily, and be given the opportunity to reestablish contact after what might have been years of silence.
I never know how to feel when people I knew from ages ago come up and throw me a “Hi, how’ve you been?” My initial reaction is “what the fuck do you care, years after you slagged me off?” Then I calm down and remember that life happens and the circumstances were rather unusual (as they tend to be for dropouts). Sure, they could’ve picked up the phone, but what is there to talk about when you never shared anything but the daily experience? With that gone, there’s nothing to talk about. Give it a few years, and there’s bound to be something worthy of discussion.
But the awkwardness remains. And I would much rather not be bothered by these people, just to avoid that awkwardness.
And now here I sit, looking up people from THE PAST on facebook, wishing I could get back in contact with them, but knowing I shouldn’t, considering just how damned awkward it would be after everything that has went down since last we spoke. Awkward because they were his friends… and although I grew to genuinely like them in our brief meetings, regardless of who they were to whom, I don’t know if I was lucky enough to have that genuine liking returned.
But I miss them, and I regret not getting to know them better before. And I regret the thought that I might never have that chance now, with all the bitterness that remains in THE END. I hate the thought that his incessant whining and smack-talking and “I Can Do No Wrong” -isms may have blown whatever chance I had to still call them “friends”. I hate to think that they might actually think that I’m the delusional one.
There’s no way I can just randomly say “hi, how’s life been?”
And so I sit here, their names and faces on-screen, wishing we’d all met in a different way… or maybe not at all.