2008: What the Eff!
So here we are, doing this whole New Year’s deal again. I figured I might attempt to write some stuff out while I’m hungry and delirious and waiting for Kev to get his sweet smackable ass out of the shower. SMACK!
I got thinking about this as I was sitting out on the back porch, enjoying a choice, high-grade smoke (Marlboro) and talking about the glaring lack of plans we have for tomorrow. Not like I care. I don’t think I’ve ever had a New Year’s celebration to go off well for years. Last year was pretty much destroyed by breaking up with the ex. The year before was riddled with panic attacks in the wilds of Scotland (Aberdeen — dude… “wilds” is fitting on New Year I MEAN LIKE NO JOKE LULZ [huh?]). Before that was the fantastic experience of blacking out and coming to with some dude fucking me while I just silently prayed he’d get off, go away, and I could pretend it never happened. Year before that, my first and last experimentation with smokes beyond tobacco, which was a huge paranoid catastrophe. I think the New Year before that was fairly good, though. So it isn’t always fail.
And I can’t imagine this one being fail in any capacity. I mean, honestly? For real? I’d be perfectly content getting all jacked-up on sugar and caffeine, and crashing on the couch all snuggled-up and comfy. But that’s all I ever want to do any night. Sugar. Caffeine. Cuddle.
But this isn’t about what I want to do next year. This is about what I’ve done last year. And… well, yes, one thing dominates the whole handful of months: meeting Kev. He has been the most amazing thing to happen to me… all strutting into my life with his finger up his nose, eyebrow cocked and a sly-as-fuck smile breaking across his face. My god, how he lights me up. I can honestly feel myself glowing whenever he’s around. He doesn’t even have to do anything… just a look and I’m all ablaze with love and happiness. Just a smile. Just watching him sleep. Even watching him help his mom out with something makes me want to hug his face off. And then back on again.
I never knew how much I was missing out on until it arrived. How little I settled for. How starved I was for affection. I never knew I could be this happy with someone. Never knew I could be myself with someone, and not be afraid of being called stupid or insane. Never having to shut parts of myself down because it was better to hide than be hurt. Never having to feel like there was something horribly, horribly wrong with me. Never having to hear “normal people don’t do that”.
All that I had hoped for before, and expected before, but lost over the years. Feeling cheated by Hollywood. Feeling cheated by my parents, too, for having stayed together from the start… living the impossible dream, and making me feel like I could do the same. Like I deserved the same. I lost that. I lowered my expectations and my value. I let myself get cheated on, screamed at, blamed for everything that ever went wrong. I bowed my head and fucking took it, thinking now that my expectations were too unrealistic, and this was just how things were in reality.
And then this year happened. Like finally waking up, bye-bye ‘Wonderland’, shaking your head and going “boy, that was some FUCKED UP SHEET, YO”. Things always were as I thought they should be, after all.
Other things about the year, I suppose, was getting transferred to UK. I’m somewhat frustrated about how plans changed there. I did honestly see myself transferring overseas, so I didn’t look ahead at UK’s USPs, so this whole plan of getting my basics done for cheaper turned out to be fail in the long run, as I’m having to go backwards and take basic classes that the University required, tacking on an extra year. The only way to make the time even itself back out is to keep my grade high and squeak into their one-year Master’s program. Which, I suppose, is what I’ll do. It’s what I’ve said I’m doing, anyway. It just depends on how desperately I want to stay at UK. Or leave.
The year was definitely not without loss. Moses, my dear furry friend since second grade, passed on. He gave it a good fight, bouncing back briefly with much gusto, and holding on just long enough to meet Kev over the summer. I still have a hard time with that, honestly. I miss him so much…
My resolution for 2008 was a pretty good success: To grow a backbone and unleash my inner bitch. To stand for myself, and not only that, but know that I can stand on my own. The brief period of singleness at the start of the year did bring me to that point. By Valentine’s Day (aka “Singles Awareness Day”), I figured out that I was totally content to be on my own. I was actually looking forward to not having to please or impress anyone but myself. I was chuffed to have the chance to be entirely selfish and free from attachment. Then… yeah, SOME DUDE had to come along and mess all that up. But if you ever hear me growling about that, it’s likely a norty growl. Please you to be turning around and not perving outside the door.
Minor things: I has car; I lost 25lbs, gained 15, lost 5, gained 5, lost 5, FUCK!; finally saw Radiohead; voted for change; started really learning German for real.
And.. I guess that’s my 2008 in a nutshell. Hey! As for the classic thing of writing out resolutions… yeah well, I have none this year. I’m cool with myself and my life and where things are going. I guess all I can say is that I’m looking forward to next year. Did a tarot reading that said it’d have a bit of a rocky, stressful start, but that all in all it’ll be peachy. We’ll see 🙂